Today is a terrible day. I took a HPT test this morning and it was negative. Mind you, this is a regular occurrence over the last 2 years. But this month (okay last 7 weeks really) have seemed a little different. I've been patiently waiting for something to be different, but it's not. It's the same, only worse. I've been trying to let my body work, I've been giving it time. Until now, I haven't been stressing- I'm 3 weeks later than a "normal" cycle.
I despise feeling like crap over this. I wish I could change how I feel. I wish I could just be happy with what I have, but I can't, I'm not. I'm tired of obsessing over every body twinge, every ache, every could be symptom. I'm tired of my body playing tricks on me. I'm tired of seeing babies and big pregnant bellies everywhere I go, as if it was a reminder to me that I don't have that. Church was especially hard today. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay, it's not.
I'm tired of living my life because of the what ifs... I don't want to buy new clothes because what if?... I didn't fill out my insurance papers because what if?...I plan my future based on my what ifs- foster care, adoption, what if? I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.
I'm tired.
I don't want anything but a baby. Ernie asks me what I want for Christmas and I can't come up with a single thing.
I go to the specialist Jan 8th. I can't wait.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
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7 comments:
Oh Misty, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel. If you ever need to just talk and vent I am always willing to listen!
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You are such a strong girl -
hopefully your specialist will be able to help. {{{hugs to you}}}
Misty, I'm so sorry. I'm here for you, too, if you need anything. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Keep a chin up Misty! My sister is dealing with the same thing and I know it is SO hard. Okay, I DON'T KNOW, but I SEE that it is hard for her and I feel for you! I will pray for you! Hopefully the specialist will help! Keep us posted on it, okay?
I also will pray for you. I know you don't know me I am Dianes M friend. I have a close friend that went through this for 8 yrs and they now have a 2yr old boy adn a 6 month girl. IT WILL HAPPEN I KNOW IT..HAng in or cry if you have to and then you have had that good cry you might feel like being strong again. Our family prayers will be remembering you and your family.
It is hard to know what to say. I am so sorry for all the pain that you are going through. Sometimes I wish I could understand the Lord's plan for me right now and not have to wait and understand later. We will pray for you. We love you.
As you know, I feel for you! And really I do know exactly how it feels, so that's good right? Yay for specialists! I think I might get to start Metformin soon! Give Abby a hug!
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